The Story of the Black Grouse Read online

  It is a lively tartan

  When I put them on with my best drinking coat

  They say, ‘My! Isn’t Burns a smarten, (Aye!)

  I like having my poetic hands in Wenter

  Pray warmed by my lettel canny mettens

  Not only do they keep my fengers warm

  But I do nay get scratched when I’m stroking kettens

  Aye, my gloves with fengers fine and fair

  Were made on Aran owwer theyre

  In Ayrshire we daent mackem

  But Arran es ok, twas only fair, and packem

  O gloves! O gloves! Fair wool of the isles

  Nay snow or frost gives displeasure

  Think I’ll gae out for a drenk times several

  Twud be a glovely leisure

  Then write a poem I will for the wife tae sort

  Cos my words get jumbled when I’m out of restful harbour port

  I ask the heaven, what’s more important? Poetry?

  Or drinks a plenty, ten tae or three?

  Och aye! Och aye! O toodle pimple!

  Twas high, on night with the auld glove Dalrymple

  Cos weggie treneen I dae and deen

  Life with mittens is always semply seen

  Och Aye! Well thank ye Patreck! Everyone enjoyed that!

  Back tae the Grouse ...

  ScoUtland es under a scourge by the Englesh, or tae be more accurate, by two Engleshment. One known as semply Mac, who sees hemself as a delegator of work tae other humans rendering hemself free tae dae anytheng he pleases, sech as watching his forty sceurety cameras around and en hes house scrutiniseng the property for people parkeng en front of hes drive so he can run oot en a temper and move them on. He also has a habet of starteng to bueld thengs and then stopping, using a lot of tember ... he thenks he’s the Schubert of the buildeng werld. Hes favourite habet is to order thengs from the enternet and delegate people to stay in for hours or even days on end to receive the goods for hem. Ef they refuse, he throws a tantrum tae make them feel guelty ... never get in a cevel partnershep weth hem.

  Hios henchman. the Hannat Man ges aroond choppeng the tember when everyone en the neighberhood is en waiteng for the parcel deliveries whech never tern up. The Hannat Man also sells the tember and makes a pretty penny to support his prestige life.

  Ets The Grouse’s main mession to re tember Glencoe when these two dark souled men rob the tember. Ferst of alkl though, the Grouse needed a HQ, bet no ordinary HQ, Grouse needed an ‘on site’ HQ, and, he needed to high en ScoUttesh society. The Grouse needed tae be a Lord, a Lord of Glencoe none the less.

  Tae accomplesh thes deed, the Grouse returned to England to non-civilisation. When there he made hes Lordy plans. Ferst step wes tae get hemself a Jamma hat, and that was eisily solved by veseting one of his cety’s fancy dress shops. That solved, the next theng was sapleng trees that would be blessed intae queck growth by the magical powers of Dr Whooo Whooooareye? The one eared long eared owl, wech shuolden’t be a problem wethe Billy the Piper there. At the same time, he would get a shovel and maybe a fork weth whech tae deg the holes tae plant the trees. So, et was off tae Welkinsons.

  The Grouse returned hame and got ontae the enternet ... tap tap tap with his fengers whech were connected tae the Universe via the newly energised Grouse mind, and soon he had Highland Titles on the screen. Five minutes later, the Grouse was a Lord of Glencoe, with a reasonably priced kelt of the new McGrousie clan, respected from Hawick up tae the Outer Hebrides and the Orkneys, hames of the Ork, the mysterious ScoUttesh creature I cannae tell ye of as ets too frightening, and the cleverly named Hebrides, the islands of transvestites and transgenders and those people, geven away by the name He Brides. The Hebrides is to trannys and transsexuals etc what Gretna Green es tae other couples desperate tae get married so they can fight legally and then get queckly down tae the subsequent drenking so popular en ScoUtland.

  Aye! Och aye! Sae the Grouse was now a Lord of Glencoe complete weth a kelt, a certificate, and land enough tae build hes very ain Skyfall ... well, land being very expensive and he not yet being rich, he could write weth a felt tep the name Skyfall on the side of hes one man tent.

  Unfortunately, when the kelt arrived, it was a kelt en ets raw form. By that I mean, not that it was a kelt, but that, one day, it MAY be a kelt. Unfortunately, en the Grouses leveng quarters, there was nae room fer one sewing machine due tae all the cups and plates from the ketchen. Et was therefore back tae the market, and the Grouse perchased of a pair of tartan shorts of the McGrousie clan. Et should be noted that ANY tartan counts as McGrousie, and that it is in the mind where the real clan tartan is chrestened.

  The Grouse was a formidable sight en hes Jamma hat, grey T shirt, McGrousie tartan shorts, McGrousie socks and his size 14 trainers ... except that his knees looked a bet knobbly (hes knees and legs were chrestened Peter Crouch by Mother Nature), so the Grouse had tae thenk a wee bet about buildeng up hes leg muscles so that he could outrun a stag. Well ok, we have slight lemetations here, so we well say ... maybe a Triumph Stag weth a fucked gearbox.

  Thes ladies and gentlemen brengs us to the tale of the Black Grouse and the Highland Games. Tes a fairly semple tale I well tell here.

  The Grouse turned up frae the games and walked ontae the field to the disjointed piping of Billie the Piper playing Donald Where’s ye Trousers. On his shoulder was sat Dr Whooo Whoooareye? The good feathered docctor had blessed all ef hes stuff, so he was okay. He also had a large rucksack filled weth Dextrosol, Lucozade, Dunns Rever Supplement, and several energy drenks, which had also been blessed by Dr Whoooo Whoooarye? The ferst event was the tossing of the caber. Sometheng strange happened. Et was the Grouse’s tern. Grouse looked at the caber, whech tae be honest, was, erm, wider than hem. Not tae be pet off, Grouse asked Billie the Piper tae play Eye of the Tiger, whech, minus the notes, sounded like Ye of he Ger ... whech was better than nothing I suppose. The Grouse politely asked the jedgeng panel ef he could gae fer a pee? They agreed, and in the toilets the gouse ... well, he dedn’t exacly cheat. Instead what he did was show what science could do weth ordinary supermarket goods whech were blessed by Dr Whooo Whooooareye? He mexed them ale together and got a right fine brew, and drank et back en one. He then rolled around on the floor a bet ... and now, I must take your good minds back to the crowd outside who were wondering what the commotion was, plus the flashing lights en the toilets?

  When the door opened, oot walked the white version of the Incredible Hulk ... the grouse had transformed. If sales of Dunns Rever supplement now go through the roof, a want ten percent. And I’ll tell ye! I’ll tell ye all! Ef I don’r get et, I’ll be fighteng ye all tae the grooond and feneshing ye all weth my Dirk! Have ye got that?! Well, have ye?! Ye sassernachs the whole darn lot eh ye!

  “Och Jemmy! Calm down would ye, would ye like a drenk?”

  Och! Thank ye. Don’t mind ef I do actually. Thank ye.

  The Grouse walked back tae the caber. His shirt was tight on his perfectly muscled body, whech made Arnold Swarzenegger look like Stan Laurel. Hes shorts were tight on his inflated legs. and rather handily, the Grouse had found a rugby ball in the changerooms whech adjoined the loos, repped et in half, and shoved et down hes shorts ... women still fainted. As he walked tae the caber he stopped and posed for shots weth babies and Billie the Piper broke into a rousing rendition Morag McDougall’s Samba, or Rag Gall’s Amba. Dr Whooo Whooooareye? got bored and went to look frea a moose. Frae those of ye readeng this en England, one ... keep oot! And two, when I say mooose, ah mean mooose. Do ye understand? Et es really common sense, because an owl could nay carry a moose could et? Use ye brains ye sassernachs.

  The Grouse walked up tae the caber. He ‘walked et upright’, bent down, ded all the moves he had tae dee, and picked up the caber. In the Grouse’s world, the caber was made of balsa wood. He ran, and threw it. Normally, as ye may know ef you’re a sassernach, the caber falls hopefully on the other end, and tios over as near as possible tae twelve o cl
ock. When the Gouse heaved it it went therty feet up in the air, turned several times, and then came down fefty meters away from the Grouse and stuck in the land at an angle of about forty five degrees.

  The Grouse walked over tae the crowd, stopped a few feet from them and did a muscle show. Women sighed fainted. He then ded a few more baby pectures before strolling on over tae hes team.

  The Doctor was looking well after swallowing a moose whole, and Billie the Piper was looking through her book of tunes tae find something suitable tae pipe the Grouse back on for the next competition, probably Maggie McClintocks knetting bag waltz, or, as Billie played it ‘Aggie Tocks Netting Ag Altz’.

  When the Highland Games actual competitions were looked at en detail, it could be seen that they depicted the hard work done mainly by the ScoUttesh men when runneng from the Englesh envaders i.e. early tourists weth a bad attetude. They ran to the hells with their families, en fear of their foe, and then, when they found themselves en the welderness, they had tae queckly build houses because of the rubbesh weather, and their frustration of haveng to spend their lives doing manual labour for nay thanks. That particular aspect of early ScoUttesh life had them doing setch thengs as throwing hammers and rocks around the place. The one theng the Scouts dedent realise is that ef ye are a beg stroung man and ye throw a hammer, you have to gae peck et up again. That is the douwnside path tae frustration. One mest learn tae hold that temper. However, the Highland Games were born of this habet of running from the foe, whech led tae the ScoUttesh women takeng tae the whesky drenk en order tae train the keds independence and porredge oats cookery when mother es unconscious en the morneng after the amber gold milk float from God has been around. The men caught on when they relaised that they had tae leave their woman for a sober one, and gae back frae sex ‘the double helping’ and to beat ep on the keds to do the other half of the job i.e. toughen them up, especially ef they walked ento the bedroom tae ask frae a cuddle off mummy. Scoutland now consists of endependent tough keds tae fight the English off when they sneak en tae take over under the guise of tourism ... the Devil is a clever liar.

  The next event wes perfect for the Grouse, the Highland danceng. Thes es the human version of the grouse in the lek. Dance tae the lady and show her your prowess, mostly en your heps and legs ... emportant for reproduction of course, and frae carrying her and the keds on hes back, en a large sack, tae get her away from the Englesh who came weth Longshanks tae breed us oot weth Prima Nocta.

  All I need tae say here is that when a normal large muscular ScoUtsman jumped ballet like intae the air, one foot, the Grouse added another five foot tae et. He looked like Nureyev on steroids who had had a bike pump shoved ep hes ass and inflated muscularly tae the ‘better’ than perfect build. Women faineted, as ded a few men thes time. The men dance weth two crossed swords, the Grouse danced with a crossed garden fork and a shovel from Welkensons or B&Q, no one was quite sure ... although et could have been a garden centre?! No one knows the movements of the Black Grouse unless he trests you, emplicitally.

  Those who saw the Grouse that year well ever forget hes dance, and the leaps into the air on which he ded double and triple somersaults, pikes, landed en the splits the lot. He then made hes way back tae hes team.

  Onto the next event to the tune of MacDonald’s Pass, or, ‘Donald’s Ass’

  Thes was a fefty sex pound weight that had to be thrown over a bar. Only one hand was to be used. Och, now ye knae what I’m going tae say daent ye? The Grouse used, hes teeth.

  The women fainted at thes, and before they passed into temporary oblivion, they emagen that their and the Grouse’s keds, all twelve ay em chewing tough deerskens en order tae soften them tae make modern day clothing and shoelaces tae save buying that stuff weth child benefit which can then be used properly. That is the actual genetic effect of a ScoUttesh woman en the last tae years, marrying an Eskimo she met on My Space. Actually, that could have been Facebook, or Married so What, or Meet The One, or Sengle En Scoutland, or English For Sale, or Richenglishman.cum com?

  People who were present at that glorious event swore that the glent of light that came from the Grouse’s smile was from a very, very, very expensive diamond embedded en hes front tooth, like Meck Jagger’s smile. They say the Grouse cannot hide on Glencoe when the sun shines ef he smiles.

  Maide Leisg es a very useful game en ScoUtland. Et consests of a way fer the men tae get haime when drunk, and as The Bey Yen says, when he falls on hes arse drenk, and peple accuse hem of being drenk, he denies et and says enstead that he’s breaking a bar eey chocolate en hes back poucket. But then, the grand tartan task es tae get back up again, whench can be challengeng. Some say that thes game whech started oot as a form of ferst aid was started by drunk ScoUttesh mothers when they couldn’t get up from the floor where they had fallen three hours before the cheldren were due at enfants school. Och aye the nooo! Training for independent adulthood starts never tae early, nursery being an exception, there are semply too many perverts around to resk et ... England’s tae close you see. A Child Called Et? Dave Pelzer? Och nooo, he deden’t know he was bourn! Softer than a Hagges’s;’scrotum hes childhood, the liar ... luxury he leved en, luxury ah say. And I’ll fight any man who tells me defferent! C’mon then! C’mon! Where ere ye?! C’mon ye cessy sassy sassernachs! Stand up welll ye and fight!

  “Och Jemmy man. Calm down won’t ye. Would ye like a drenk?”

  Och aye, don’t mind ef I do, thanks. So. The mothers leaerned how tae communicate weth their best friend who wes alsae drenk, who then came around her hoose weth her mother who wasnay drenk because she had already trained her daughter endependence, and she then carried her daughter to her best friend’s hoose. Och, are ye followeng thes? So, the older mother then opens the door and walks in and drops her daughter on the floor en front of the other mother whose bairns are happy at nursery learning to take toys and stuff from the other softer keds who always end up getteng shet jobs, especially ef they wander ento England and land jobs en the tourest industry fer ScoUtland, nay pride of the wendswept isles encrypted en the gene there. Eventually after a bet of a streggle and a queck drenk of the goulden melk, they decide that the moust emportant theng en the werld is the Jeremy Kyle Show, so, one of them had tae get up to turn on the telly and try and werk oot the control. They therefore put feet to feet and bend forward and join hands, then pull. The stronger well pull the other to her feet. Now, ye can emagine what happened at the games weth the Black Grous doing thes weth an opponent of twent stoune who is trying to raise the Grouse and the Grouse tryeng tae raise hem. Och dear. Tryeng es NOOT the correct word tae use.

  The game was modified for the Highland celebrations of frustration, and a steck es grabbed by the two men.

  The Grouses opponent, a masseve local man proved that man doesn’t need wengs tae fly short destances of up tae therty metres. It could have ended in the man hurteng hemself, but the Grouse was up, and underneath hem weth the speed of a prime stag. He caught the man like a man catches a ScoUtesh woman when she jumps frem a buildeng when she finds that she has an Englesh gene from five generations back. He gently put the man back ontae hes feet and shook hes hand being careful not tae crush the ScoUttesh bones, whech are delicate like the wengs of the most sensitive of butterflies, usually penk.

  The ceremony at the end of the games of course saw the Grouse taking all of the trophies, whech he graciously handed back. he asked ef he could take to the mike and address the crowd. He then ded a fantastec speech en the clearest of English accents, telling the crowd who he was and how he entended to plant trees en Glencoe to geve good clean oxygen tae the cheldren of thes fine land. He also told that he would be clearing up and placing en skeps all of the bottles which had been meslaid by all the drunk ScoUttesh mothers who had been for days out staggering through the woods taking in the fine wildlife, botany, and soil acid levels which kept the eco system en fine balance, and these pbservations would be taught to their cheldren to ensure their entelligence in the fut
ure ef they needed to apply for jobs weth the tourist board en England seeling package deal weekends to ScoUtland. But now, he must go and tackle the up and coming Glencoe Armageddon whech was the fight with the tember thieves Macaroon and the Hannat. He must first, tae prepare, get a few thengs, so he bed everyone fare thh well, and walked off with Dr Whoooo Whooooareye? And Billie the Piper playing We’ll Meet Again, or Ell Me Gain.

  Och. Ah must gae for a wee. Ohc aye! Ets nice tae be back. Where was I? Ah yes.They visited the Glencoe Troll Golence who was expecting them, as Skewerantler the stag had told hem as he had seen the approiach of the fog bank and heard the disjointed skerl of the pipes. He had for them A large white, round weather balloon weth some helium steel cable of one ench circumference weth a clep on the end, a special tree he called the Singing Ringing Tree, and an aerosole can containing a military nerve gas, and a small battery operated CD player with the Saturday Night Fever CD, and a good personal fan fitted weth a nappy pen. They thanked him and left. Thes was the ket that would save the trees of Glencoe and not allow the Macaroon and the Hannat to pench both the old growth tember and the new sapling planted by the Grouse. They took it so that the Hannat could buy hemself prestige en the form of a Beamer and designer clothing, through the sale of the tember to tember merchants, and also so the Mad Macaroon could build many more buildings in the form ef Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony, better known as the Macaroon Buildings Symphony, which et was recently nicknamed by scholars in the Royal College of Music after a very important meeting in the Student Union block where all the bars are.

  And now, I mest recount to ye the final battle Royale between the Black Grouse on the side of Glencoe tember, and the Hannat and the Mad Macaroon on the side of de forestation and the resultant cash.