Millom in the Dock Page 10
Upon return of the pictures everyone has fun guessing which fuzzy sepia toned blob is who. If body identification is difficult, Alan Parsons the dentist is called in to supply dental records. All jobs thus filled the money raised is used to buy new books. The AB booth turns over about … Ooooh! At a rough estimate … ???? Once a week should someone accidentally let one slip. The disciplinary procedure is one days ‘cork’ duty, a dodgy practice which has been known to backfire. The last time it backfired the librarian’s coffee was knocked over and, the ricochet rudely disturbed an old retired carrier pigeon which was minding its own business and sunning itself on the windowsill. Luckily the window was open, the cork was replaced and held firmly ‘up the junction’ with a couple of strips of double strength sticky wide bandages, as added security after the librarian lodged the following complaint:-
“It might be my eye next time!”
A couple of examples of book titles and readers …
“The Persuasive Alchemists Art” by the Reverend.
“Flower arranging to delight your visitors” and “The location of the Holy Grail and the Pearly Gates” ... Sharpo
“How to Make Friends and Influence Yourself & Certain Authors” by Brick (holds record for cork).
“Beautiful Poetry” by Kath Park.
MY INVISIBLE CHILD
By Kath Park (formerly of Millom)
I never knew you, before you were gone
What would you have been? What would you have done?
?????
Would your eyes have been blue?
Would your hair have been brown?
It’s true to say … I haven’t a clue!
Boy? Girl? Will it never be known?
I wish I could see you up and grown
But some things that should happen are to be
I sometimes wonder, would you have liked me?
Here’s hoping, the place that you been sent
Is better than here and, that’s why you went
My thoughts are with you, as your Mum, that’s my way
And I hope we can meet again?
Someday?
That concludes the two hard to see landmarks M’lud.
M’lud: “Thank you Mr Lassut, that is a very beautiful poem by Kath, makes me want to cry”.
Me too M’lud.
M’lud: “I wouldn’t mind listening to the Alchemy book, the Reverend is obviously an expert at the art.”
Very interesting M’lud.
M’lud: “Thank you Mr Lassut, well it’s 12.30 now and time for a break, Court will resume at 15.30”.
“All rise for M’lud”.
***
15:30
“All rise for M’lud”.
M’lud: “Good afternoon everyone, Mr Lassut, what’s on the agenda this afternoon?”
Well M’lud, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader, I would like to address the point made by the press that, I quote … “Most people with jobs work at the nuclear power station at Sellafield or at Barrow Ship Yard”. It is true M’lud, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader; the British Nuclear Fuels Limited Sellafield Plant does actually provide employment for a small section of the population which, I think is a very positive point, even with the nuclear industry in disarray and always under such scrutiny. However, as for Barrow Ship Yard, well you and I know that this place does exist as a workplace for the Millom population but, by choice, they waiver the opportunity but why?
I will tell you why, Barrow Ship Yard is called Vickers and the people of Millom are under the impression that the Reverend trained there, together with other espousers of the words and commandments of our angry and vengeful God. God isn’t actually angry with Millom that was merely a child’s oversight. But because of this belief, not one of them has the courage to step on the toes of his finest Italian leather shoes for fear of infinite limbo and the possibility of having their ass roasted for something trivial like claiming dole and working and all that gumph. Actually, they would never have got away with claiming and working when my old girls’ team were in the Job Centre because they were all practiced psychics when it came to detecting the over ambitious few.
So, it is true that some work at Sellafield but, it isn’t so much that they spend their days there earning a crust, what I think is far more interesting is, how do these heroes and heroines reach their distant place of toil? They have no cars, Peg only carries one passenger and it’s too far to pedal. Especially with a Dames Ison vacuum cleaner humming away on the front of your bike. Well, I can tell you … local ingenuity of course, by railway. The rails, courtesy of, in the early days, the ironworks and now Scurrah Nassau of the Tannery Industrial Estate, Haverigg (the Tannery was a leather factory).
Now if I may I will give you some background as to SIDETRACK(ed) the locally owned rail company, who were in operation during my youth at least whose lines were/are in an excellent state of repair I may add … due to non-greed and corruption but much care. Their commitment to excellent local public transport helps provide you in the outside technological world with electricity. This power production is partly due of course to the Millom mob, delivered by SIDETRACK (ed) who grace the insides of the radioactive, luminous walls of BNFL. The workers, due to their circumstances, do however have their own idea concerning the actual product of the plant.
M’lud: “Well Mr Lassut, sorry to interrupt but my cousin works there and he has noticed the rather unusual transportation system which they use to reach the factory. I myself would be interested in learning more, please carry on”.
Thank you M’lud, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader, SIDETRACK(ed), as the name suggests, consisted/consists of just that, an ‘extra’ track on the sidings of a section of the West Coast Barrow to Carlisle Railway (this part is for Wacker, who has been doing the signals for about 90 years now). This track is used for rolling stock on the “MILLOM EXPRESS”. This special service runs alongside the normal line from Millom to a small village called Silecroft about three and a half miles away.
“So how do the workers reach Sellafield if the track only runs part of the way?” you ask, well it’s all to do with the military and a loophole in the law which, I will of course tell you about soon. Let me first though describe the actual system to you. You see M’lud, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader; the Express is used both for work and recreation. When relaxing on a day out in Silecroft the passengers either go to the local pub, The Miners Arms, or walk down to the sea to bask in the sun and/or have a refreshing, healthy, healing swim in the brine.
It will help you immensely knowing that it wasn’t/isn’t an actual train which does the pulling. The MILLOM EXPRESS train consists of one of those seesaw type buggies which are often seen on old black and white Western or Laurel and Hardy type films. Two of the town’s strongest men, Brick and Togo, (again ... statue! Why should Ulverston get one of a ‘lesser’ comedy duo?), are/were the buggies power source employed on the side ... (ings) by Reg Hodgson the local travel expert.
The Express passenger accommodation consists/consisted of half a dozen flat carriages which have no sides. A pole in each corner supports a corrugated sheet ceiling from the banking allotment. SIDETRACK(ed) previously MILLOM RAIL, ordered the ceilings from Sharpo. The Police were quickly on the case and said officially … “He’s definitely in this area here”. Wrong! He was swimming in the tide at Silecroft worrying passing seals, mackerel and Great White Sharks, while Fireblade yapped enthusiastic encouragement from the shoreline.
That then is a nail in the wall about three inches above the top of the map, two inches from the left hand side. Carlisle is where the top of the wall meets the ceiling, just above the third coat peg from the toilet door. A world atlas would be interesting.
All seating on the Express was/is first class (no more was/is), there is of course a buffet car this is manned by another Millom star character, well worthy of being portrayed in a blockbuster film one day, Mr Manky Fullard, who is chief SIDETRACK c
ook and rabbit catcher, complete with catapult and a dog, he works under the head chef-ship of Sharpo of course, another lurcher man and rabbit catcher. If anyone orders food he lets a rabbit have it; one of many that are watching this fascinating procession from the edge of a field. This is called bad luck; you’re sat there, chewing on the sweet grass and watching this highly entertaining procession pass by when, suddenly a brick (a real one) hit you between the eyes … charming!
The dog then brings the physical remains at speed to the side of the buffet car where, in a fine ‘relay’ type changeover, Manky takes the order from the hairy waitress/waiter. The rabbit is then paunched (gutted), skinned and cooked very freshly in front of the customer. He does the cooking on a steel drum barbecue grill, the rabbit heads are boiled in a separate bucket of water using a shaw kite camping stove, these are for the dog (unless someone fancies boiled rabbit’s head, with eyes that pop in the mouth and a little, chewy, rubbery tongue?) Yummy! Grilled rabbit, salt, pepper, tomato sauce and other condiments are courtesy of the Bridge Caff via Brick’s pocket and then via Mr Townsend. The tail and feet are knocked up very quickly into lucky key rings by Tony Storrs, the jeweller you’ve already met, who runs the …
MILLOM EXPRESS GIFTS BIZZARRE
They sold at a greatly knocked up price in order to cope with the Reverend’s 10% limbo protection plan for dealing with the murdered body parts of God’s creatures; a kind of ‘Burke and Rabbit’ arrangement minus the pub. The toilet car is quite modern actually. It consists of another carriage this time with no roof. A sheet of tarpaulin is loosely spread over its full area. There is a bum sized hole cut in the middle of the flat with a larger one (does my bum look big on this?) next to it which acts as the Ladies, each hole has a bucket suspended underneath. These both had to be cleared for use by the Reverend of course, in triplicate and, at the cost of four gold teeth rent each trip. The person crawls under the sheet and lets nature take its natural course … after the deed is done, the Express moves off again. The nose powderers may then wash their hands. The water in the bucket containing the boiling rabbits heads is … well hot. Mind you it is quite good for warming the palms and digits in the winter months. Yes three inches of snow means a friendly brawl for the ‘sink’.
During the winter months Arthur Ferguson enjoys good trade selling ‘designer’ rabbit skin gloves to the softer passengers (Rugby Unioners). Arthur avoids using the train preferring his Rickshaw Taxi, pulled by one of his admirers. Well come on a King never rides with the commoners. There isn’t a guard’s carriage at the rear; there is no need for one. It is not that the SIDETRACK(ed) Directors are too stingy to pay wages (one rabbit, minus feet and tail and a chicken per shift), it is just that no trouble ever kicks off. Lots of the tickets get blown away in the wind anyway, leaving nothing to check and therefore possible skirmishes with suspect fare dodgers, who are of course innocent and always sing “The tickeeeet my friend is blowin iiiin the wiiiiiind” etc. If anyone happens to bring a guitar along it can sound quite nice. Sometimes everyone joins in, increasing the quota of rabbit craving entertainment, keeping Manky and Sharpo if he’s along for the trip, or at ballet class (I’m joking there)?
Upon reaching Silecroft they decide what time to return to the buggy, following which they are off down the road to the shore and a jolly old afternoon nude bathing. Meanwhile, Brick and Togo, who like to be called Messrs. Casey and Jones, move the buggy back to the front, or back to the back of the train … it makes little difference. This is a job and a half and done by hand as there is no turntable to speak of. It is a tremendous feat worthy of complete lunat ... strong men a feat which makes their eyes bulge and their biceps balloon. They then go to the pub to refresh and the locals quickly drink up and go home in order to avoid another discussion about the interesting coloured lights, funny symbols and loads of button to press on the Mars, Big Brother computer system.
Okay, now if the trip to Sellafield is early to deliver the worker ants or a more casual saunter to the Visitors Centre later in the day the buggy has to use the main track from here on. This is because of a place near the small village of Bootle, a rather desolate area called Eskmeals. At Eskmeals, or rather a part of Eskmeals, there is an area fenced off and surrounded by trees. This is a non-secret Military Site which I mentioned briefly earlier. It is a large and small bore guns building and testing site, the weapons used, amongst other things, to make great explosions abroad, which is fun to watch on TV while you’re eating your dinner, especially if there are a lot of boring repeats on the other channels (2005, a good year for repeats). It would seem like a bit of a glam job shooting big guns and little guns all day yet the workers do get tired with it at times, what with loosing off rounds at the Irish Sea which would be pretty hard to miss blindfolded after ten pints of Forget Me Not. Sheets of metal and sand hills are also used as targets for the big guns as are rare moths, flutterbys, flies, rabbits (of course) and skylarks. I have also heard that it is fun to soak people as they saunter along the beach on the Isle of Man and they deny all knowledge.
It is thankfully against the law for the trigger happy, frustrated weapons technicians to fire at the, in full view, passing trains on the main track which runs nearby.
SIDETRACK(ed), due to some political loophole in the law would have been fair game, but the Directors found out just in time and got permission, via Roger Murray (top solicitor) to use the main track from Silecroft onwards. Phewww! Narrow escape! Safe then? M’lud, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader … NO! Because I can tell you another predator stalks, one more vicious and menacing! Togo! Because he has sensitive ears, evolved over many years of listening out for the bailiff through wood and brick (walls that is), he gets his lug to the line and checks whether one of the scary steel monsters that uses the track as a run, is leaving Barrow in Furness. If the line is clear the duo seesaw like mad, sometimes causing sparks between wheel and rail. The scenery, due to the speed is blurred more than usual and Manky has been known to miss and lose orders for food. Sometimes one of the older ‘Don’t know you’re born’s’ will comment … “That’s the last time I eat here! The service is absolutely bloody disgusting! Far worse that at the rest home! Pah!”
Occasionally a steam train crew in Barrow somehow receive a little inside information concerning the irregular departure time of the sightseeing Express and have set off from Barrow accordingly, reaching stalking distance before i.e. before Togo’s lug touches the line for the first time. The steam train crew usually tie a large branch with plenty of leaves to the nose of the loco. They slow down upon reaching The Green (a patch of grass with mud huts near Millom, remember?) and, a couple of hundred yards from Millom Station … stop and … wait. The Express is then loaded and Togo listens for the first time. Clear … they’re away, the steam train stays a few hundred yards behind the Express. When the Express stops at Silecroft, the locomotive driver goes ‘Togolug Dead’ the same as sonar dead in submarines. Once the Express has changed tracks and is speedily underway, the branch is cast aside and the chase is on. Luckily when they spot it or, someone shouts “Monsteeeeer!” Brick and Togo are so frightened they just go faster, Manky stays cool and wastes a few bricks on the monsters head but, they just powder on impact. Mind you it looks too big to skin anyway (and as for the lucky key ring?) There is a great tussled movement of bodies underneath the canvas at times like this … like a gang of ferrets fighting in a sack.
Somehow though the train always gives up, probably bait time or boredom or something else … i.e. just not fast enough? Or maybe it’s because the driver and the guard have discovered that the sheep in the fields are more intelligent than the Barrow in Furness women and have decided to try their luck … there again, if sheep could talk Cumbrian they would soon exhaust the intellect of the Barrow mob (ooops! Did I just say that aloud?!) However M’lud, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader, our intrepids somehow reach Sellafield and cruise to a halt on the safety of some more sidings. Then they all dismount; walk
up the road and stand, faces pressed to the wire, staring at steam coming from the steaming Cooling Towers, fascinated.
If you, the reader, out there in civilisation have never visited Sellafield … DO (lead underpants are available in the Gift Shop, Y’se to wear them).
The site is divided into two halves, Windscale and Calder. Calder Hall is the side housing the four reactors … 1, 2, 3 and 4 (just in case any of Togo’s relatives are reading). These provide electrickery for the grid, although why anyone would want to power one of those ‘stop the sheep from going through the gate’ things, sure beats the hell out of me? Windscale is the reprocessing side where they reprocess spent fuel, using the Irish Sea as a large stormychurnydiluteitquick … (except when it doesn’t … and upsets Greenpeace … Ooops! Public Inquiry please! Ok, who’s got the log book?) … Waste disposal unit, much to the annoyance of the residents of the Isle of Man.
Sellafield breach, sorry beach, is where they filmed or, should I say film, on a continuous basis, certain scenes and even some creative new ideas for updated and digital surround sound (and now 3D! It’s been a while) versions of Jason and the Argonauts. Scenes like, extremely realistic fights with big crabs (so as to save money on Ray Harryhausen’s wages), where the actors can lose very easily because … what do extremely realistic giant crabs care for camp actors with plastic swords? All the Directors do is tell the actors … “Well daaaaaarlings, just fight the veeeery, veeeery realistic big crabs not designed by Ray Harryhausen, which will come from around that corner there at the bottom of that big cliff. Act as though they are actually real okay. WE will all be on that big hill over there watching you through a long lens. Good luck dears. This is all in the name of art so be enthusiastic and don’t be afraid to get really close to the nasty, veeery realistic plastic things which are full of waterproof, sand proof electronics and mechanical wizardry … honestly! Just think, Mel Gibson may watch this one day and he might ask some of you to be in a film with him! Love you all! Mmmmmoi! Mmmmmoi!”